Being translucent can often be painful. Others may judge you. Shame may try to heap itself upon you. Regret may make you want to back pedal to a place with walls. The others, however, those watching and waiting to see how you live your life, need to see the reality of what a laid-down lover looks and sounds like.
Since the birth of Eva and the completion of my "teaching season", there are days when I struggle with finding peace in the "now". Some days seem to linger endlessly and others are so sweet, yet gone in a blink. Although my peace rests in God alone, the busyness of the day or my mind's loud voice distracts me at times, from what is my true purpose. The enemy has such a loud voice, when he can be heard over our praise. The enemy has such power, when we aren't interceding with the power of God.
I was reading Psalms 8:2 this morning and I was reminded of my weapon of warfare for the dreary days that seem to linger. "You have ordained praise because of your enemies, to silence the foe and the avenger." It's so radical to think that our bad moods or apathetic attitudes can be silenced by praise. At first it feels kind of funny. You're thinking, "I do NOT want to sing right now. I am NOT happy." But then, as the enemy is scattered because joy erupts from your songs, the foe is silenced and only God remains. We have a big weapon in hand and it's called, praise.
2 comments:
I think it is really normal to feel ALL sorts of things about being a mom. At least I hope it is, as I am often completely lost in a sea of many many feelings/thoughts. I expected some upset(not in the all bad kind of way but in the way that a sea is stirred up when there is a change in the weather) shortly thereafter her birth- but it has been ongoing as well. For me, being a mother has been constant change. Change in routine, but also, perhaps more importantly, change in ideas about myself. I think that may have been what you referred to about "end in your teaching season". We define ourselves in so many different ways- jobs/occupations/passions/purpose being a major one of those ways. And being a mom sort of flips all those ways on their head and leaves a mess to sort out. There is no clear right or wrong way. And what might feel right in one moment, may not in the next. For me, being a mother has been a giant challenge primarily in that realm- the realm of sorting out what it means to be me and how that can change again and again and again. And again. What I thought I valued or wanted, may not actually be the thing I end up wanting or may not be it entirely or exclusively. It is often difficult to figure exactly what a do want due to all those ideas about what I should want. Its a tough process. But also being a mom is completely lovely and amazing at the same time. Sometimes holding those two feelings (or those four hundred feelings) side by side at the same time is difficult and confusing. I am on a rabbit trail here. And I may have heard something in your words that wasn't there. But, if what I just said makes sense to you, than my point is: I get that.
Joy, thanks so much for your thoughts. Anne Stock has said, "the only thing that you can expect is that it's not going to be what you expected", and I think that's SO true. I browsed your blog for the first time today. I look forward to reading more.
XO
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